The Guilt Factor

[Sara R Hughes]

We power mommies have such a difficult balance to strike and there's real irony in our situation. In my case, I've been most motivated to do community and political work because I am a mother. I recognize that it is not enough for me to merely care for and protect my own child. I feel a tremendous, undeniable, need to care for and protect all children- which means caring for the entire community.

Public service, however, requires such onerous time commitments- events, activities, organizing, fundraising, traveling, phone time, crisis management, etc., that spending adequate time with my son (by anyone's standards) is virtually impossible now- let alone if I commit to candidacy. And now, at 9 years old, Jacob will say to me, "You work too much, Mommy! You don't spend any time with me!" It is very hard not to feel guilty when hearing these statements!

I am hopeful and reasonably confident that, as he matures, Jake will understand why I've committed so much of my time to "the world" at his perceived expense. I will continue to talk with him about it, include him whenever possible, and devote myself one on one and family time with him and my husband. It is unlikely, however, that this will completely assuage my guilt. I'd love to hear how other "power mommies" cope with this issue.

[Hannah]

Thanks for starting this group!
I have more words of support, than a solution. I have a similar dilemma, as a mom of a three year old son. I wish I could say that I have a clear answer for you, but I need one too. On top of that I am a single mother, which means I need to single-handedly support my son financially, emotionally, etc.

I do want to say that I find motherhood itself incredibly revolutionary. I support women who don’t want to take on motherhood, yet I feel so thankful that I've had the opportunity to mother, not only for the personal rewards, but also for how it has informed my activism. I think my struggles are part of a bigger picture of what society needs. As a child, I had a mom who dedicated herself fiercely to her career--helping other women through the empowering experience of natural childbirth. My mom had a demanding career, and while inspiring to her, left her exhausted and emotionally and intellectually drained. While her actions benefited many people--helping them to have beautiful profound positive experiences and increasing the intimacy, connection and humane behavior between individuals inside their families--she let forces outside of the home command her attention and I felt a painful distance from her lack of involvement. From this I derived a value in working a vision, an ideal, not merely working just because the work, issues, and the problems present themselves. I think that when in our pursuit of fulfilling our social obligations, we should include living out our social ideal as part of the solution. If we want a happy society--we should have a vision of what a happy society looks like—and live that vision. If we want people to treat each other as people and not as objects--than we need to treat our children as people with legitimate emotional needs, not mechanical clichés of social obligation. I think that most working mothers recognize this, I most certainly recognize it, but still don't know how to recon with it.

Children are conduits of revolution; they pose a threat to conventional society. Children act unpredictably, demandingly, and at times irreverent to social convention. They experience the world anew and through their natural interest in understanding the world first hand--have the power to construct a new reality. In response, as a society, we have isolated them from the rest of our world by putting them in institutions that forcibly subdue their innate drives enough to get them to accept a prescribed picture of and role in society. We--the general we--demand that if they want to make a mark in the world they have to do it one way, that they must not dare to apply original concepts or approaches to learning about and shaping the world they live in--until they submit themselves for the entirety of their formative years. "We" basically treat them as not real people until they have the reputed, established, credentials.

As a mother who wants to include my son in my life and in larger society, and not forcibly isolate him into submission, I feel that rather than bringing him up with me, I end up locking myself into that social, political, and professional isolation.

So I guess I have an idea of WHAT I want to bridge the mommy/engaged citizen divide, but I still struggle with the HOW. I would like to have a society that incorporates children in to the events of the "real world." The problem for me is that anything deemed mommyish seems, in this country, unprofessional. I mean, how can I reasonably project a professional appearance with a toddler pulling at my shirt to nurse during board meetings and client calls--and even more so when starting at a low rung on the professional and socio-economic ladder?!

So, what have I done to cope thus far? Well I’ve relied heavily on family support, I’ve taken lower paying jobs that allowed me to spend time with my son, and I’ve committed myself to certain rituals—like one daily sit-down meal together, stories at bedtime and family drumming class on Fridays. I feel that in the very least the dependability and stability of these rituals gives my son a way to think constructively about his life and relationship with me, and gives both of us opportunities to regroup emotionally. As he gets more articulate I want to construct a family mission statement with him—an actual document—where we put our needs and ambitions on the table and agree on what matters to us most. Through this unified vision we will have the ability to act collaboratively towards social and family ends. We will have a clear way to decide what sacrifices serve the greater good, and which “sacrifices” we have to sacrifice. With this unified family vision—which equally incorporates both of our input—“the greater good” will not mean competition between activism, professionalism, and family. Instead, one will serve the next. Besides this I have the mentality to keep my faith and keep on truckin.’
-Hannah

[Stacy Bayton]

I would love to say I have the answer, but the truth of the matter is that the answer is not the same for everyone. I am the mother of four, and as a business owner and entrepeneur it is difficult to spread my time effectively between work and home. Work for me is made up of different corporate positions and community offices, and well home is my family, our home, and all the wonderful activites that come from being a mother. For me, what I have done to keep everyone happy and myself sain is to include my family in my work as much as possible. The children travel with me, and they are involved in my community projects which helps them understand better just what it is that mommy is doing. They know that everything I do is to make their lives better, both now and in the future, but to see it and to be a part of it is a wonderful experience for them and for me. I can't say that they never complain at all anymore about the time I spend at work, but it has lessened, and the time we do spend together "at work" has really made a difference in their attitudes and also in their own ambitions. It makes me feel like I am really doing things to help them.

Women have such a unique role. We are mothers, and sometimes even fathers. We keep the home, run the household, and as if this was not enough we keep active in our children's lives through volunteer work, and most of us work outside the home in our own occupations. We have the wonderful job of raising and molding our children, and this "job" is the most important one we can ever be blessed with. This "job" is also the most important one we can do for society. Look at the children who are in trouble...what kind of home did they come from? What kind of example did they see at home and how active were their parents in their lives? Involve your child in your life as much as possible, and I guarantee he will feel less threatened by your job outside the home. I can't promise he will never again complain about the time you spend away from him, but I can say that if you let him be a part of what you are doing it will better for everyone in your family. For me, my children are so excited when they know that they are having a day at work with mommy, and they feel important to have their own "job" to do.

Thank you for having this place for mommies like me to have a place to talk together.

[Sharmina T. Ellis]

Sara:

I understand explicitley and have been down a similiar road. I am a single mother of a wonderful 5 year old boy. Bryce is the pride and joy of my life. I have struggled with having to work 2 jobs-sometimes 3 and I have a small business toI maintain.

The fact of the matter is that I have created such a structure to cope with daily living, enhance Bryce's life, the life of others and to be a blessing to those that I come in contact with. Bryce recently asked me to stay home with him in the evenings (I teach 3 nights a week). The GUILT immediately kicked in. I do not recieve help from his father in any way, shape or form and have inlisted the help of a care giver for my son, while at times, I am out caring for other people. SEE THE IRONY in it all?

You mentioned "standards" as if there was some type of protocol in place that we must conform to as mothers, wifes, sisters, and or daughters. A Policy that states that we can't have it all. I beg to differ. When I am not with Bryce, I am helping to create a legacy for him. When I am with Bryce, I am working hard to please him, and protect him while helping to keep him grounded.

I came to the realization that there is such a person " A Superwoman" and regardless of what people may say, we are highly capable. It's just a matter of how we stucture, and restructure and restructure. I find peace via Prayer and Meditation. It's not easy, but WORTH IT!

[Lynn]

After reading some of the other comments, i must say that I am honored to read your words, Power Mommies. That whole "superwoman" concept is so enticing, but it's not real. I find that I cannot be all things to all people or someone is going to suffer. The pride part of me wants to be GREAT in every area, to show that women can do it all. But we can't. At least I can't. I'm trying to become comfortable in the "averageness" of being a mom, while still giving my passions (writing, outdoor adventure, mentoring high school girls, art) a place to start blooming again. I lost myself for a while because when I became a mom I thought I had to be "doing" something to have some worth. I WAS doing something. I was loving and nurturing little lives I had been given. But I was so programmed to get my value from the outside rather than the inside. It's taken a while, but I am now understanding that I do great things, even if I'm never on Oprah, or make a million dollars or rescue orphans from Darfur. In my community, in my home, I can still be great if I just watch for ways to contribute and get outside my own little world of self-defined value.

[Stacy Bayton]

Thank you Lynn...you have highlighted something very important. I admit that I cannot do it all, and I also learned this the hard way, but I think the important thing I learned from my experiences is to know what is really important in life and focus the core of my energy there. Women certainly know how to juggle, and that we do. Our lives, the lives of our family, work, everything, but you are right, something always suffers. To be aware and make the proper adjustments in our lives are two of the greatest actions we can make for ourselves. As long as we do things to the best of our abilities there should be no reason to feel like we are not doing well in any of the areas in our lives.

As for our time amongst our many roles, any contribution we give outside of ourselves is a great thing, and will have such a positive impact on those our actions touch. For women who give of themselves so selflessly I am greatly appreciative.

In closing, I would like to share something with you that I read the other day. It was a list of the most unattractive things that we can wear, and the top answer was selfishness. How true that really is.

Thank you for sharing.

[Jessica Feltz]

Thank you Sarah for starting this awesome forum!

The greatest lesson I have learned through balancing the demands of caring for myself, my children, my career, and everything else on my plate is to be fully present in each moment. When I am placing neeldes in my patients, I don't think about tonight's dinner or helping my children with their school projects...I immerse totally, completely in the moment with the patient. And when I am with my children, I don't try to juggle phone calls (that's what voice mail is for) or e-mail or my next marketing project. I remind myself that it isn't the quantity of time we spent with our children, but the quality. I strive to make each moment of my life a quality moment, second by second, one interaction at a time.

Regardless of your religious affiliation, I would highly recommend reading books by Thich Nhat Hanh. "Peace is Every Step" is a great introduction to mindfulness and the impact that can have on our lives. I hope that my children learn, through my example, how to be full engaged and present in each second of their lives, to fully immerse themselves in the beauty and experiences available to them moment by moment.

I also remind myself that "it takes a village" in the sense that none of us can be everything to everyone. I've learned to ask for support from family, friends, and neighbors when I know that I can't be fully engaged with my sons. My children benefit from having varied experiences with other loving adults.

In that way, there is no guilt. When I am with them, *I am fully present with them.* And when I cannot engage fully, I seek support and trust that my sons are receiving exactly what they need in that moment. I find that a tremendous burden is lifted when I do not expect myself to be everything. That's why we have communities of love and support.

"Breathing in, I calm my body.
Breathing out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment,
I know this is a wonderful moment!"
--Thich Nhat Hanh

May you find peace, contentment, and happiness with your son in each moment you share together.

[Lisa J]

Dear Sara and other power mommies,

I understand what you are saying and can definitely relate.

The main reason we feel guilty is because there are not systems in place to support us in our multiple roles. Would I feel less guilt if I worked somewhere where there was on-site daycare? If I had a flexible schedule that allowed me to squeeze in more time with my son? If my pay were equal to that of men doing similar jobs? If school days were reflective of the full days that parents spend working? If other women didn't ask me how and why I work a 40 hour work week plus an additional job?

Yes to all of the above.

By the end of today, I can't ensure that every workplace offers on-site child care. I also can't ensure all women have a flexible work schedule. By the end of today, I can't change policy that defines a full school day as 9:00am to 3:00pm when my full day work schedule is 8:30am to 5:00pm.

Today, I can do several things. I can tell my neighbor "I kindly ask that you please stop asking me how I can bear to send my son to daycare. When you say that I feel like I have to justify myself and I don't appreciate that feeling. As women, let's unite and talk about topics other than my personal choices." Today, I can encourage other women to reject the guilt factor. Today, I can make a commitment to working on long-term projects of systems changes that will provide greater support for women.

We hear a lot about work-life balance. I prefer to think of it as work-life choices. This helps empower me and remind me that I have made a decision to have a child knowing that financially, I need to generate income. That makes it a choice. It's a challenge, but it's a choice and just like any other choice I make, I can be comfortable with it or be at odds with it.

If you are reading this and are comfortable with your choice, I encourage you to let another woman know that today. I also encourage you to speak up next time someone challenges your choice. If you are uncomfortable with your choice, I encourage you to read Closing the Leadership Gap by Marie C. Wilson and seek out a woman who is more comfortable. You can feel free to contact me.

Mommies unite!

Best,
Lisa

[Jo'el Thomas-Jones]

You have spoken to my heart! Thank you for sharing.